Making It The Sadness

Its time to get off my behind and back to creating and working. Currently my life seems to be settling down. You see my year started off awful. I lost my mother on New Year's Day. Here is the story:

On December 21st I got a call from a hospital in GA. They could not reach my step-day so they called me. They needed someone to okay a heart catheraization on my mom. Apparently she had been brought in during the night. (I had no idea until the phone call). I gave the okay. I asked how bad things were--she said you might want to come to GA its not good. I called my daughter in NJ so she could change her flight. We left FL the next day. When we got there I went to see my mom in the hospital. I talked with the staff and they told me she would need open heart surgery and she would have it either on Friday of Saturday. So we got a hotel and decided to stay through Christmas. Well on Friday the Dr. told us that she could not have the triple by-pass because her lungs would not allow her to make it though. This did not look good. They told us the only option was to put in heart stints and they would not do it until Monday. So here we were--we were spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at the hospital with me mom. I enjoyed my time because it was just her, myself, my husband, and our two kids. (My mom has 7 kids between the ages of 10-24 that she adopted after I turned 30 and 2 grandkids by one of the adopted kids she was raising). So as you see it was nice to just be us with no distractions (unless you count the hospital staff coming in and out) On Monday we were told that they would do the procedure on Tuesday at 7:30 in the morning. I made sure I was at the hospital so I could see her. We sat and waited for her to come out. I spoke personally with the Dr. he said he put in 6 stints and it was like she had a new heart. He was sending her home the next day.
My little family said good-bye to mom and I told her I would call her the next day to see how she was feeling. We packed up and got in the car and headed back to FL.
On Wednesday we put our daughter on a plane home to NJ. All was good. I talked with mom on Thursday, December 29 and she said she was feeling okay just tired--which I thought was okay considering everything she had been through.

On Saturday night around 10:00 my aunt called and told me they had just sent mom back to the hospital because she was having trouble breathing. I said okay call me when you hear something. At 2am on January 1st I got the call--Your mom passed away. They did all they could do. She stopped breathing in the ambulance and they got her breathing again. At the hospital her heart stopped and they could not get is started again. My world came to a complete stop. I had lost my mom. Were we close no. Did we talk everyday no. But I still loved her and we handled  the relationship as best we could--we were just so different that we were never on the same page.  Now its weird--I still grab the phone when I hear or see something that I think would make her laugh. Or when my son is giving me a hard time I would call and vent to her about it.

I guess I said all this to say--Forgiveness is a powerful thing. My mom could not help how she was--depression and anxiety are hard to deal with--trust me I deal with anxiety daily. I believe I have over come depression by looking for the positive in life instead of the negative.

Starting to day I will do one thing that makes me smile each day!

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